I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
