I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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