nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
