i think my mom watched the whole time
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
