Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
