is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
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