he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
