we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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