i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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