Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
