She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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