I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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