Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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