We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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