And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize