He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I smell like Dick and happiness
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
