I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
