Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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