He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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