So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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