My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
