I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
