Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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