My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
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mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
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You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
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