I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
