I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
