you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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