On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
