Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Randomize
