maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
