just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
