oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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