I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
