good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
