Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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