i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
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