Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
