I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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