Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
