Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
