I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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