Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize