It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
