I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
