'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize