Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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