Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
