Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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