his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
