I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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