What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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