I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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