I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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