I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
