I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
