the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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